“If you don't live by the praise of men you won't die by their criticism.”
― Bill Johnson
Doubt. I have been full of it. The Lord is talking to me in the strangest ways and I am having a difficult time fighting off doubt and fear. I have said repeatedly over the last couple weeks, "Is that really you, God?" I think we all go through seasons of doubt and I am starting to believe He takes us through this season to perk up our ears and make us really pay attention. We should never stop checking ourselves.
The last few weeks have been very strange. My car needs a new fuel pump and occasionally won't start and God is using this. I believe He is using it to get me to listen and to show me He can do all things, He is in charge. An example of a "car not starting incident" would be; I come out of the store and on my way to the car I hear the Lord say, "It won't start, because I want you to read." He may ask me to make a phone call or send a text before He will allow the car to start. I know this sounds crazy, believe me I have questioned it a thousand times. I always have my kindle with me and when He instructs me to, I open it to the latest book I am reading. I will read until something strikes me, that I know He wants me to learn and then I will hear Him, "Start the car" and it starts every time. The other day, I tried every trick I had been taught when trying to leave a friends house, but the car would not start. Then I heard Him say, "Tell her you are proud of her." I did and the car started. I can tell you this, I feel like a little baby being told step by step what to do and it is very frustrating, but it gets my attention to listen.
Months ago, I believe I heard the Lord tell me that a group of friends and I were to wash the feet and make dinner for a specific group of people. I didn't say what I was hearing until I couldn't hold it in any longer. I turned the word over to my friends and asked them to pray for confirmation. Within a month or so, it was confirmed more than once. There were specific details. We were to take this night out of the church atmosphere and we were not to include leaders of the church, but represent the congregation. Then I got the color yellow. We put together a meeting to pray and see if the Lord spoke to us about any other specifics.
Leadership was brought in. We decided it should be a fancy dinner. Basically we took off with our own ideas about why God was having us do this and how we should do it. Listening to the Lord went right out the window and I was part of it. It didn't set right with me, but I kept going and didn't speak up for some time. A couple people I felt were supposed to be involved immediately said they believed the Lord didn't want them involved. The whole thing became confusing to me and I knew the enemy had some how stepped in. I prayed and felt God was telling me that my role in the dinner was to remind the group of His instruction. That was the only role I felt He was giving me. A few times I sheepishly stated that we were getting off track. The Lord wanted us to follow His every detail with this dinner. I believe the color yellow meant "proceed with caution". I didn't feel heard by the group. They thought I was full of fear brought on by the enemy, when actually I had never felt like I was hearing God more clearly. I spoke up a couple times and was very uncomfortable doing so. I was becoming frustrated, because I had other thing going on in my life at the time that were huge emotionally and time consuming, but the Holy Spirit would suddenly call me to remind the group that details were important and we were to listen. I hate to say it, but I didn't even care about the dinner any longer, because my heart was consumed with my own stuff that had nothing to do with this assignment.
I got together with a friend one afternoon and spilled all my frustration and talked about what God was doing with this minute by minute instruction He was putting me through. The next day I visited with Dave for a couple hours and talked to him about the battle I felt I was in with God. He set me free with a few statements, but the one that grabbed me the most was that I was in adolescence. I was rebelling against being under the tight thumb of God. I realized, I needed to submit fully to what I believed He wanted from me. Being a teenager is tough, especially when I didn't get much practice when I really was a teenager. I went from childhood to motherhood. That evening I met with a couple who gave me even more insight to what God was molding me into. "I get it" are powerful words and I felt relief. I'm going to be okay.
The next morning as I sat on the deck sipping coffee and relaxing in the Father's hand, I saw a message sent to me by a friend and it was almost like a download of knowledge. The story of Abraham being told to sacrifice Isaac was used by the Holy Spirit to explain the lesson I was being taught and I suddenly understood so much of what I had been hearing from Him. God told Abraham to take Isaac to the top of the mountain and sacrifice him. This was a three day walk and Abraham had plenty of time to talk himself out of it. I could hear myself saying, "This can't be God. He wouldn't ask me to do such a thing. He gave promises for Isaac's future and this doesn't make sense." God had to trust Abraham to go through with the assignment he was given. Abraham had to trust God. At the point and time when God said, use the ram instead, He had to trust Abraham to listen. Abraham could have easily thought it was his own voice telling him to stop or even the enemy. I believe God said to me that morning, "I am looking for a people I can trust to listen to the details." My first question was, "Have I been that person He wants me to be?"
I had to tell the group that our lesson was over. Even though He was saying we could still serve the dinner, He also made it clear He was testing us to see if we would listen to the details. The devil is in the details. Often times we get the initial request from God and we run with it. Any opposition we believe comes from the enemy. I had to wonder how many of us would have sacrificed Isaac after God said to use the ram.
One thing that came to mind after this revelation was a conversation I had with a friend. I had said that God wants us to hear His voice so He can instruct us in all things. My friend said, "I don't think He wants robots." Made sense to me, so I asked God about it and He very clearly explained it to me. "A father can ask his son to clean the barn. I want bridles hung on this wall, move the hay into the corner and clean the stalls. The next time he asks the boy to clean the barn, all he says is go clean it. But what if in the middle of cleaning the father says, I want those bridles hung on the opposite wall?" Doesn't sound robotic to me. In fact, it made total sense to me. We are told sometimes to do things and not given much detail. He gives us free choice to get it done how we want. Other times, He may give us minute by minute instruction. The most important thing is to listen. He wants to trust us to listen and obey. We can't obey if we aren't hearing His instruction.
Another issue the Lord has been talking to me about is division or unity. I woke this morning to listen to a teaching that I know the Lord set up. The speaker not only used the Abraham and Isaac story that the Lord had used earlier, but he also talked about unity. He said sheep watch each other to stay together. As long as they can see the group around them they figure there is a shepherd leading somewhere. When we pray for unity in the Church we should be praying for unity between God and each believer, because if we have unity amongst believers without being in unity with Christ, we could be united in wrong thinking. (Kind of like the group making the dinner) Yep, that was a big lesson.
Lately with all the doubt I have suddenly had a greater empathy for Joan of Arc. Every time I sit in my car reading or praying and waiting on the Lord to tell me it's time to go, I have learned what He wanted me to learn, but I feel a little like Joan. Yep, this is weird. Who would believe this? But what if we all, like sheep, just watch the butts in front of us and trust the crowd we move in? We aren't all called to be the same. God doesn't need one big hand, He needs all of the body. He talks to us all differently, He teaches us all differently, He calls us to different roles. There is a gap only we can fill. We aren't all called to be teachers or who would we teach? Bob Jones said, "Heresy embraced by one generation becomes doctrine to the next."
There are some things He calls us all to do like love each other. Walk in love. We aren't all called to do this the same way though. Realize the Lord has a sense of humor. I think He shows it more to those who love to laugh. Some of us take Him too serious and others not serious enough, but He loves to hear us laugh and I believe He loves to join us in that laughter. I had to make that clear before I shared that this morning I heard a prophet share a word he had received from God. "The prophetic mascot for this epoch season is no longer the eagle, but the owl. Because the owl is nocturnal and lives in the darkness, and can see through the night and knows who's who." I may have laughed this off if I hadn't heard this at least twice before. What struck me funny was that last night I had sat out on the deck after midnight, unable to sleep and listened to a very loud owl for the whole 15 minutes I was out there. Okay Lord, are you talking to me in a weird way again? I heard once that coincidence is God's way of staying anonymous.
It is so easy to disregard things as coincidence, but I believe in these days we need to pay closer attention to what we are hearing and seeing and ask God questions. The Bible is written in parables, not spelled out word for word. We have to trust that we are understanding what He is truly meaning in scripture. He can speak differently to different people through the same scripture. We have to learn to hear Him so He can correct us when we are misled. Scripture says in the last days there will be more visions and dreams. God has been showing me lately that I have disregarded visions He has given me. For example the other morning I thought I was full of pride and imagining myself lay hands on a blind woman in a red coat and she was healed. I actually argued with God that He should not trust me, because I am a dreamer and my desire to see people set free from bondage causes me to get a little "out there" in my daydreaming. I do not believe that healing is my main gift, but I do believe we are all called to heal. I did not consider this blind woman fantasy a vision, until that morning at church when I met her, the blind woman in the red coat. My jaw must have hit the floor. I didn't even know which way to turn. (Yes, I heard the Holy Spirit laughing) On the way to church I had asked God not to allow me to break down crying. My heart had been broken I was still in the shocked stage and I did not want to break down at church. What did He do? We prayed over the blind woman during worship and I believe He is healing her sight. I smiled through the whole service. He is an awesome God. All I asked was not to cry, but He pasted a smile on my face that would not go away. I saw the love He had for us all.
A couple days ago a friend and I decided to follow Jesus all day. It's really fun, but more importantly, we learn from it. On this day He was telling us that He was not going to give us words ahead of time, but minute by minute. He led us to pray over several people and we were actually blessed to have lunch with a brother and sister. The brother had had a stroke months earlier and used a walker, but he was still looking into prison ministry. His sister was an alcoholic who had recently relapsed and we all four enjoyed lunch and praying together. During the day, we prayed for a little boy with a broken leg. When I saw his cast I realized that God had actually given me a vision that morning of my friend with this leg in her hand. I had written it off as my wild imagination daydreaming about what could be ahead in following Jesus that day.
So after a bunch of rambling stories, my main point here is to share what the Lord is telling me He is looking for. He wants a people He can trust. We can't let other's opinions decide whether we are hearing God or not and we should not judge another for hearing God differently than we do. Always check. I always ask God to confirm and sometimes I don't even have to ask. If I feel He is asking me to speak a word to another or take an action, I rarely move without confirmation. Now, if I am in the coffee line and I hear Him tell me to pay for an other's coffee, I may not wait for confirmation because I don't have time and because how can this hurt, even if it wasn't God. We always have to be ready to hear "Stop". We have choices. God put trees in the garden and gave Adam and Eve the choice to follow his will. He gives us choices. He also gives us grace and mercy as we learn to hear His voice and obey Him. Being a follower involves risk. If we don't take risk, we don't move from comfortable. God can turn the steering wheel all day long, but if you are not moving forward...well, there you are.
“Now is the time to Start a Normal Christian Life!”
― Bill Johnson, When Heaven Invades Earth: A Practical Guide to a Life of Miracles
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