“The first question which the priest and the Levite asked was: 'If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?' But...the good Samaritan reversed the question: 'If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?”
― Martin Luther King Jr.
Two years ago, I was told what I was looking for was someone with integrity. That didn't turn out like I assumed it would. It was in those that I thought I would find it, that I didn't and those I didn't expect to find it that I did. So many times it is easier to look at what disappoints us, and not notice what God is bringing in to blow our minds.
Like many times, I found God in my car. I was driving up to a prophetic teaching when the Lord showed up and started talking. He wanted to go through the abuse. I on the other hand am tired of going back over it. He had me list each situation up to the present. I saw disappointment after disappointment. People were not who I thought they were, and definitely not who they should be. When we got to the present, my question to Him was "Why would you put somebody in my life you knew was totally going to let me down." His response - What you are looking for is somebody to love you unconditionally, knowing everything about you and I am that person. Okay, well I get that. I knew that. Then He said, You want somebody who is willing to die to protect you. Well, to be honest a little anger flared up and I said I didn't need that. That's stupid fairy tale stuff and I don't believe in fairy tales. He said that my denying it was out of fear that that kind of love does not exist, at least not for me. Then He said, You are looking for someone who would die for you and I already did. I drove right past the church and headed back home. I was a mess and I wanted to hear what else He had to say.
One time I was going to town with my oldest daughter. We spent several minutes, several, looking for my wallet so we could leave. We both tore the house apart. I went upstairs to my room for the third or fourth time, but it still wasn't there. When I came down the stairs my daughter said, "Oh good, you found it." What was she talking about. I hadn't found it and told her so. She laughed and pointed to my side. It had been tucked under my arm the whole time I was looking. Wow, is that age or stress? How many times do we look for something that is right under our nose? Or our arm?
The Lord speaks to me most clearly in dreams. I can always doubt whether it is truly His voice I am hearing, but when He gives me a dream it is undeniable. The other day, I was going to take a short nap in my chair and I asked Him for a dream explaining to me exactly where I am and to reveal what I don't see about where I am. Well, He did just that. At first I did not believe the dream was from Him, but slowly He interpreted it and I couldn't deny it. What He showed me and I did not want to see, was how much control I am under. He showed me how I allow another to control me through fear. I surely did not want it to be so, but at the end of the dream I was walking to the mailbox which He said meant that He has a message for me. The next thing that happened was that I walked past a closed gate. What this meant was that until I deal with the situation in front of me, I will not pass through the gate to the next level of healing and growth and intimacy with Him. I have to take the next step. I have to deal with this situation the way He instructs or I will be stuck here.
There it is right in front of me - This is a lesson. I am sitting here wondering why He put me in this miserable situation and the Truth is: this is a lesson in listening and obeying. in other words, handling the situation differently than I am used to. In our brokenness we have ways of dealing and mine is to shut off my heart and run. He is saying no. Facing the Truth is first and most difficult.
I was walking with a young woman the other day and the Holy Spirit kept telling me to share a part of my story. In my head this didn't seem like the right thing to do. I was afraid of putting my stuff on her shoulders. But, I listened. What happened next was God. Our stories, though different, are so much alike. I realized that is why WE are so much alike. When I watch her and she breaks through a wall I about come undone, because I get her. I have had to break those same walls. As I watched her talk about her situation the one thing I did not see was emotion. This was me just a short time ago. We both got a lot out of the conversation, but what I realized is that my life has been like living in a house with a lot of people. God is upstairs and I only go as far as a few steps to go see Him. He is standing at the top of the stairs asking me to come up. On the main level the people I live with are Anger and Fear, (Fear hides behind Anger at all times). I hang out with Disappointment and Hate a lot too. Trapped in the basement are Joy, Peace, Hurt, Love, etc. etc. But I don't allow them to come up. Also downstairs are a lot of little guys named Memories. Over the last months, I have let one Memory at a time come upstairs and with it, came a few others, like Pain, Strength and then Joy. I can deny all day that I have these people in my basement. How many times I have said, "I just don't feel anything." Denying the people down there does not keep them from actually existing, it just locks them in the basement where I don't have to look at them. What I have learned is when I let a Memory come up, along with it's entourage, I have to take them right up the stairs to Jesus and let Him be the mediator in teaching me how to get along with them. Some He makes leave, but others we spend hours together finding ways to live with each other.
The first step in dealing with the guy named Situation who just busted up through the basement door is to holler down and call up Truth. he is usually hiding in some dark corner down there and many times I have to call God down to go get him. Then we sit down at the table and face each other while God stands behind me. You face Situation, then Truth, then all the feelings that came up the stairs with him. You know it's working when the next guy comes. Oh, I have kicked him down the stairs and banned him from coming up, but my buddy Tears was pretty insistent. When I finally allowed him to come up, I saw a light at the bottom of the stairs and there with Joy and Peace stood Healing.
“Worry implies that we don't quite trust God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives.
Stress says the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace towards others, or our tight grip of control.
Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it's okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we've been forgiven, that our lives are brief ... and that in the context of God's strength, our problems are small, indeed.”
― Francis Chan, Crazy Love: Overwhelmed by a Relentless God
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