Anger

     Anger was my friend.  It protected me.  I didn't have to face uncomfortable situations, I could get angry and leave.  It spoke up for me when fear got in my way and alcohol was not an option.  It kept me company when I was alone hating the world.  I was very protected behind my wall of anger.  My expression alone caused people to pass me by. 
     It was the rage that scared me.  It snuck up on me.  It was like some kind of being put me in my own back pocket and took over my body.  The daggers would fly from my eyes and mouth and nobody could hear the real me tucked away in my pocket screaming for help.  I hit people, I cut them to pieces with my words, and I even pulled a gun on a man I was suppose to love.  I wanted somebody to hurt as bad as I did.
     People asked me all the time, "Why are you so angry?"  I honestly did not know.  After coming out of the shock of delving into the details of the years of abuse, I had a good idea.  I wasn't just angry because I was abused.  There is more to it.  My choices were taken.  I was told that my parent's and God wanted this to happen so those relationships were damaged beyond belief with the enemy's lies at a very young age.  Trust is a battle beyond any I will fight for a long time.  I thought something was wrong with me.  That my parent's and God would wish this whole experience on me was an indicator that I was damaged.  One of the most valuable lessons I have learned in the last year is that I was not abused because I was different but I was different because I was abused.
     I wanted to quit this healing process and go back to the broken, angry, miserable depressed person I had been.  I knew that person and how to be her.  I soon experienced a new reason to be angry and even enraged at times.  I had to clean up their mess.  If I wanted to be a healthy happy person with a future full of relationships and promise, I had to go back and deal with the abuse, with the neglect, with all the fear and chaos in my head.  It wasn't fair.  I had been to counselors and read books on abuse and I understood the long list of affects it had on me, but now, it became a long list of issues that I had to address and I hadn't caused them.  I pitched a fit.  I took most of it out on the pastor.  It made perfect sense.  He was trying to coax me to do what I did not want to do.  What I shouldn't have to do.  Eventually the anger turned inward and I became depressed.  I was already isolating.  I had cut just about everybody out of my life so I could concentrate on getting well.  The list of affects sexual abuse can have on a person is overwhelmingly long.  This was going to take a while.

To name a few:

• Physical Presentations
• Gastrointestinal symptoms/distress
• Musculoskeletal complaints
• Obesity, eating disorders
• Insomnia, sleep disorders
• Pseudocyesis
• Sexual dysfunction
• Asthma, respiratory ailments
• Addiction
• Chronic headache
• Chronic back pain
• Psychologic and Behavioral Presentations
• Depression and anxiety
• Posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms
• Dissociative states
• Repeated self-injury
• Suicide attempts
• Lying, stealing, truancy, running away
• Poor contraceptive practices
• Compulsive sexual behaviors
• Poor adherence to medical recommendations
• Intolerance of or constant search for intimacy
• Expectation of early death