Understanding

     Why did I start this blog?  Not to make excuses for my behavior or so that people would feel sorry for me.  The reason is to hopefully help a few people who may be struggling with some of the same issues I have and and that I continue to struggle with.  Over the years when I read a book, listen to a speaker, or in any way hear another persons story, I am most comforted when I identify with them.  Addicts meet in groups to help addicts.  Cancer fighters meet in groups to help each other.  We hang out with people who are like us.  No person can understand and support another person like one who has gone through the same situation.  The most encouraging, touching, healing words I have ever heard were "I get it."  Don't we all want somebody to get it, especially when our heart is broken, we are scared, lonely, or even angry.  Maybe that's why the pastor finally got through to me in ways no one had.  He tells me those words all the time.  He wasn't sexually abused, but he has the ability to find a common feeling.  Maybe one time in his life he was forced to do something he didn't want to do.  Maybe he identified with the rejection.  I'm not sure, but he does get it.  If we dig deep enough we can all identify with each other on some level. 
     Because of the abuse, I have always had a difficult time around people.  I love people.  I love to watch them and see how they interact.  But my fear of being judged, not being good enough and the feeling that me and my opinion don't matter, make it extremely tiring to be around people.  To walk into a church by myself somedays can be terrifying still.  People reaching out to me when I get there makes it worse.  Though I want to be accepted, I also want to be invisible.  I've always felt invisible so it is most comfortable.  I have friends.  I have good friends, but there is a wall I keep between us built of fear.  Most of them probably have no idea how deeply I care for them and love them because of the distance I keep.  Recently, I shared the story of my abuse with a very close friend and she said, "Wow, that explains alot."  I wasn't sure what she meant and was afraid to ask.  My point in sharing this is that once we know someone's story, who they really are, their hurts and fears, there is a part of us that identifies with them on some level and we understand them.
     On the other side of my story, as a teenager I became a bully.  I always had at least two victims at all times that I constantly picked on.  They were all strong people.  Underneath, I liked them and wanted to be more like them.  They wouldn't know that of course, because I was mean.  I was abusive toward them, from throwing ones coat out the bus window to picking up a shovel to beat one with it.  (I didn't go through with it)  So, if you knew the hurt I had been through, the pain in my heart, would you be more understanding to my abuse of others?
     I was angry.  I was very angry.  I heard that all anger is fear based.  We get angry at our child for running out into the street because we are afraid they will be hurt.  We get angry at our spouse for flirting because we are afraid they will leave us.  Maybe I bullied people because I was afraid they were better than me and I could never be like them.  Maybe I was just afraid they wouldn't like me back.
     If we knew the reason, would we understand the behavior and be more tolerant?  Maybe the angry man at the gas station just lost his wife to another man.  Maybe the old bitter woman next door was married to a workaholic who finally retired and then dropped dead.  Maybe the bully on the playground gets hit every night at home.  Maybe the person who constantly points out your shortcomings is afraid you will see hers and point them out like her mother did when she was growing up.  If we all had a list of our hurts tattooed down our arms, would we be kinder toward each other or would we grow cold to a long list and avoid those people? 
     One who knows our lists is the enemy.  He uses them against us.  I've noticed the more effort I put into growing as a person and growing closer to Christ the deeper he digs into my past and whispers the hurts in my ear.  For example, one of my abusers nicknamed me "Trash".  The enemy uses this often.  I am aware of it and most of the time, I tell him to shut up.  God says I am not trash.  But there are times he sneaks up on me.  He may start with "You don't belong here in church.  You can't fit in with these people.  They are too good for you."  We all have those little voices in our ears.  The tapes we play from our past.  They tell us we are too fat, too stupid, we'll never succeed.  They stop us before we even start sometimes.  Sometimes the enemy puts his eyes between us and what we see.  We find ourselves judging others.  "They don't belong here.  Who does she think she is?"
     What if we could see into each others hearts.  What if we knew each others fears, wants, hurts?  Jesus does.  He knows everything done to us and everything we have done.  He knows our thoughts and feelings.  He wants us to see each other through His eyes.  It's hard sometimes to love the unlovely, but I can be pretty unlovely myself and I want to be loved.