The Truth

     The truth shall set you free.  That's what they say.  That's what the Bible says.  Since the truth sets you free, I'm going to tell you the part nobody talks about.  Before it sets you free, it drags your heart through a knothole, stomps on it, slams it against a wall, and wrings out every single bit of emotion you can imagine.  It just plain hurts.  I have faced enough of it though to also tell you I have had glimpses of the freedom.  I am still pursuing the truth, because of those bits I have seen.  I know it's worth it. 
     To help me face the truth, I began by writing my story.  It begins with my dad leaving when I was eleven years old.  Writing it out put me in touch with a lot of pain I didn't realize was still there.  In my story there have been many truths I've had to face.  I was sexually abused, abandoned, and neglected.  This is a good time to mention that hurting people hurt people, which explains the generational curses we pass down.  (we can talk about that more later)   I had minimized not only what I had gone through, but how it affected me and how it felt.  You can't heal it - if you first don't feel it.  I had spent most of my life numbing myself through addictions.  It's not really the alcohol, food, movies etc. I was addicted to, it was the escape.  I was afraid to feel.  There was one emotion though that I couldn't find a way to numb - rage.  I had been angry for most of my life and taken it out on several people who did not deserve it.
     So, I wrote about the abuse and as I wrote through my story I sent it to the pastor to get it out to someone else.  You are only as sick as your secrets.  Sharing my story was difficult at times, but it helped him to understand the cycle of destruction I had been on and the cycle of emotional struggle it would take to get me free.   It started with shock.   I felt like I had just lived it and in a way I had through writing about it.  At one point I sat on my couch wrapped in a blanket just hurting.  I was paralyzed with pain.   I wouldn't wish it on anyone, unless of course they were working toward freedom, then I would pray they got through it as fast as possible without missing anything and having to go back.