"That which is hidden has a greater power of revelation than that which is obvious. It is the digging for truth that opens our heart to it, not merely picking it up off the ground." - Graham Cooke
We all have surface behaviors we want to change that may be challenging. Something as simple as being late all the time or using language we would rather not use, but it has become a habit. Maybe it's the way we eat or the way we spend our time. These are all important, but I believe these are symptoms. For instance, maybe being late all the time is a way to control. Or maybe the way we eat is really a symptom of some inner turmoil that has never been looked at and healed.
I have a strange reaction to a word. Just one word can throw me into a rage, depression, or even "shut down" mode. I hear this word a lot lately and my guts turn. I can't seem to let go and just let God. I want to run from this word and everything it represents. The word? Leader. Yep, not a big word, though it could mean so many things. I have had it used to describe my future and I go into a full out panic when I hear it. My first reaction when somebody says something as simple as "I see you as a leader" is to run. I don't want to be a leader. That's my gut reaction anyway.
I have been praying about this. I told God one night in a conversation about Dave, "He doesn't know who I am. He has these ideas in his head about me being leader." In my heart, immediately, I heard God say, "I know. I put them there." I have been ganged up on. I had to think about this on a deeper level. I had to ask God what He wants me to know about this. When I think about it honestly, I have always been a leader. In my group of friends I always some how stepped out in front and led the group, usually into some kind of trouble, but I have always had a way of talking people into things they weren't even sure they wanted to do.
I had to ask God, "Why do I rage when I hear this?" What is my great fear? I know there is something down deep that is feeding my reaction when I hear the words, "I see leadership in your future." There is a part of me that knows this is true, but there is another part of me that screams "No way!! Do not follow me!!" I would guess that the obvious is fear of failure. I would hate to lead in the wrong direction. But the deep reaction in my gut tells me there is more.
What is a leader? In my mind I immediately think of military. I don't know why. But I see a leader as having responsibility. First you want to know you are leading in the right direction. You also want to be able to encourage people. You need to be a good listener. God, what am I missing here? What is my fear?
God asked me what my biggest regret is. How much time do you have, because I think I have at least one regret for every day on this planet multiplied by at least two. Though many of my regrets are no longer regrets because I see how God has turned them around. I had to think about this and pray about it, until it came to me. The one thing I would change? The one thing I regret more than anything in the world? It happened when I was about 6 or 7 years old. Oh, I realize I was young and it wasn't my fault. I realize I did everything in my power at that age, but I still get sick to my stomach and I can easily see how it still affects my life today. When I was molested, along with another little girl who was much younger, I tried to hide her. I hid in her cupboards, in the hay, under the bed, and several other places, but she was always found. I then sat through watching what he did to her. It was more difficult to live through than what he did to me. This is my weakness. This is why the word "leader" sends me into a rage.
How can God ask me to be leader when I can't protect people? If I look back on some of the biggest angry outbursts in my life they all had to do with protection. When I warn someone of a danger and they choose to ignore that warning, I get angry. I have never understood this. It's their choice, right? As God and I conversed about this, I realized that once I knew people were not going to take my warning seriously, my next move was to "not care". I would try desperately to not care what happened. Even to the point of destroying the relationship. I know this doesn't make sense. If I had a friend standing on the edge of a cliff and I could see the ground beneath them falling away and I warned them repeatedly to step back from the cliff and they refused to listen... my next thoughts are "Fine, I don't care if you fall." I guess this is self protection. Fine, fall off the cliff, I refuse to let it hurt me. I get angry and with everything in me, try not to care. The base of anger is usually fear.
I have always had trouble being around kids. This all makes sense now. Young kids are so vulnerable. Coming from a world of abuse this is all I see when I look at young children and I can't stand it. How do you warn them of the dangers in the world without taking every good thing from them? Then they become teenagers who think they know everything and you can warn them until you are blue in the face and they just march their little immature selves right into the middle of a mess. It makes me crazy. So, I don't get involved with children any more than I have to. I can't protect them all from everything so I stay away.
God has given me an ability to feel other people's feelings. I know this sounds a little crazy, and until recently I had no understanding, but I can pick up on an other's feelings just sitting next to them sometimes. Recently, I woke up one morning and immediately felt a friend's pain. I couldn't stop the tears and I didn't even know what was going on in their life. I only knew who it was and how they felt, not the "why". I finally prayed about it and God actually had me tell them some things, like how much He loved them. It was overwhelming. First because I felt their pain, but also because I could only do so much to protect them. I'm not sure I would call this a gift, it feels more like a burden, but if it helps me to understand and give them the words God wants them to hear I guess I will be okay with it.
I have talked to leaders and to counselors and one of the common frustrations is shared with many parents. When you have lived through an experience and you try to share the knowledge you have acquired from that experience, knowing where your friend or child is about to go, it's frustrating when they refuse to listen. I was one of those parents who was never going to have more than two children, one for each hand. I had nightmares about not being able to protect my kids. I guess this is where we are supposed to trust God. Instead of trying to throw my protective wing over them, I will drag, shove or pray them under His. It's really the only wing big enough anyway. I have a feeling this may be something I battle for a long time.
"I believe that when the Word of God sheds light on an area of need or bondage in our lives, there is always a prescription in the Word of God for what we can do with it." - Beth Moore
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