“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack
I think it's really funny when I hear people say, "You need to find Jesus." They assume that somebody in relationship with Jesus will behave a certain way. Well, good for those who do right off the bat. I have been in a relationship with Jesus since I was 12 years old and it hasn't been all peaches and cream. There are people who were raised in homes with parent's who loved God and followed Him in every part of their lives. There are those who had parents with healthy relationships and so it's easier for them to trust Him and love Him and obey, etc. etc. I didn't have that. Sometimes I think Jesus is the only one who knows we have a relationship, because some days I don't even believe it.
When you have been abused, abandoned, beaten, and told you are nothing, relationships tend to be unhealthy. I get tired of hearing that I need to trust God. Trust does not come easily to me and actually it has gotten more difficult lately. When you have never been able to trust, it is even hard to trust God, no matter how much you believe in Him. In this last year I have started trusting and been totally betrayed by the person I trusted the most. I know, I know, people are human. Trust God!! Well, God put that person in my life knowing what he was going to do. Being in a relationship with God doesn't look pretty at times. Anyone who is new to this and struggling doesn't always want to be around those who only have wonderful things to say. I for one need raw truth. The Bible doesn't say this is going to be comfortable, easy or happy every day. Nobody has a perfect relationship with God. The walk is all about the relationship and growing it. We expect teaching kids, marriages and even friendships to take time and effort. Well, so does being in a relationship with God. you don't build trust in a day. You don't even fall in love in a day. If you do, you're fooling yourself.
Relationships don't just start out healthy in my world. At this point I don't know if I will ever be capable of a healthy relationship. God and I are in one and just because He is God, people expect it to be healthy. My side of it is not. I bet I say things to God other people would never dream of saying out loud to anyone. How else is it supposed to get healthy? If I sit down in front of God and say, "You are so wonderful and good to me and love me like I have never been loved" how will it ever be true that I feel that way. No! What I say is more like, "Why did you put me here? Why did you put him in my life when you knew what would happen? How am I suppose to trust anyone?" And yes, I even say, "I don't want to do this anymore. I'm no good here, just take me home."
If you have a desire to correct me right now, just stop reading and go find something else to do. I can read the Bible and hear who God is, but until He and I reach a place where I can trust Him, no one's words are going to change anything. Maybe you can say "trust God" because you do, but what did it take for you to get there? I'm sure it didn't just happen the day you accepted Jesus. I know pastor's that don't even trust God 100%. They think they know better than Him and manipulate situations to get the outcome they think is right. They preach what the people want to hear instead of the message God wants them to hear. Yes they even preach the truth while they are not living it.
People don't expect a kid from a broken home to grow up and have a healthy marriage without some work, but for some reason they expect their relationship with Christ to be miraculously healthy. I don't lie to God. I tell Him what I think. Shoot, He already knows it. Sometimes He tells me different. Sometimes He lets me fall in a pit until I see what He wants me to learn. Sometimes He corrects me. Sometimes He just lets me stomp my feet. Sometimes He cries with me.
I have a fear of God, but I am not afraid of Him. We are going to get a lot further, a lot faster if I'm honest with Him. Like I said, He already knows the truth. We aren't supposed to judge other people's walks and I think if we would stop doing that it would allow people to be more real and grow faster. When a person says to me, "I have trouble trusting God" all I can say is I get it. I have trouble with it too. You will not hear me telling them that they are supposed to because the Bible says so. They already know that or they wouldn't even consider it an issue. There would be no reason for them to bring it up at all.
I don't believe all God wants us to do is repeat what the Bible says all the time. My ministry is not that anyway. My ministry is to share my experience. You want scriptural truth, it's in your Bible. You want the truth about building a relationship with God, well this is my truth. I yell and scream at Him, because it hurts. This growing and learning and stretching and stepping out of my comfort zone, hurts like Hell and some days, I hate it and I don't want to do it anymore. God already knows that, so me telling Him is not news, it's honesty. There are no lies in this relationship.
Just so you know, usually when I rant and rave at God, His response is either, "I know" or "I love you." And just so you know, some days, I don't want to hear that. The healing it takes to develop a relationship with Christ has to run as deep as the wounds. Cleaning out an old festering wound is painful, don't let anyone tell you differently. It takes time and effort. When I have it all together and our relationship is perfect, I will let you know, but it won't be here on earth.
“Mackenzie, you cannot produce trust, just as you cannot 'do' humility. It either is or is not. Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me.”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack
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