Denial or Denial?

Truly it is a misery even to live upon the earth. The more spiritual a man desires to be, the more bitter does his present life become to him; because he sees more clearly and perceives more sensibly the defects of human corruption. - Thomas a Kempis

     Yesterday, Jesus and I took a ride.  It was like taking a new friend through the old neighborhood.  I had no destination in mind, but somehow ended up at a pond where my friends and I spent a lot of time doing things we should not have been doing.  I was fourteen and had already found my escape in alcohol.  As we talked about some of the things that happened there, Jesus reminded me of things I had forgotten.  At first, I was ashamed, but then he wanted to talk about how young I was, what I had been through, how much I didn't want to be alive and what an advantage that gave the enemy.  There were a lot of mixed feelings, so we drove on.
     There was a day in my life when a man I was with tried to drown me in a ditch along the road.  Out of nowhere a stranger appeared and he was forced to stop.  As I was driving, I was trying to remember where exactly it happened, no longer talking to Jesus, because He was too intensely interested.  I passed what I thought was the spot, but then Jesus gently pointed out where it did happen.  I knew He was right, but then I became a little nauseous, realizing He was there that day.
     We drove by houses of childhood friends and I went through memories and smiled.  Then I decided to cut over to another road I was familiar with, not really paying attention to which road I was using to cut over.  It was about half way that I suddenly realized I was driving by the place I had been raped in the back seat of an old car in a berry field at thirteen years old.  I immediately wished I had taken another route, but then Jesus gave me a picture.  He was kneeling on the floor in the back seat, telling the guy to stop.  He told me the little voice I heard was Him.  I wanted to blink and be home safe in my room.
     For over a year now I have spent at least a portion of every day, reading, praying, learning, and I wanted more.  Many times I have told God I want everything He has for me.  It has been painful.  I have worked a full day to come home and spend four or five hours studying.  I have hardly seen my family, because I want to get through this so badly.  It's like rolling down a hill, I can't stop until I get off this mountain and the ground under me levels out.  Every time I think it is, He takes me some place new and the momentum starts up again.  But last night, He told me to rest.  No reading, no videos, just a short prayer and rest.  I sat outside with my earphones tucked in my ears and listened to worship music as loud as it would go.  I have never been a crier, but lately I can't seem to stop and I don't like it.
     This morning I got up to an easy day.  I went to work, got things done, and though I knew He was with me, He wasn't talking to me all day like He has been.  I put in my earphones and listened to more worship music.  When I got home, He said it was time and He started talking to me about denial.  At first I thought, easy.  This has nothing to do with anything painful, I can do this.  I was wrong.  He started out by talking to me about denial of self.  Fasting is practice for self denial, so when temptation comes, we have the skills to deny our flesh what it wants.  Pretty simple.  He went on to say how the enemy has used denial or lack of, against us.  Mother's in the grocery store with small children, "Oh just let them have it, it will make them happy and they will settle down"  We have become a spoiled world.
     The enemy has used denial against me in my life extensively.  At a very young age, I was sexually abused.  This was a man with no self control.  He did not deny his flesh.  He gave in to what his flesh wanted with no regard to what it would do to me.  There were others and eventually I learned to use denial.  I denied what happened, even to myself.  I denied alcohol was a problem and didn't deny my flesh when it demanded the escape and it helped deny the pain.  Instead of denying ourselves, our flesh, we have become deniers of others.  We deny how our behavior hurts others and hurts us.  The enemy whispers in a young girls ear, "Oh, just give it to him.  He will stop bugging you about it and he will love you forever."  He whispers in the ears of married men, "Just this once, your wife will never find out."  We call it addiction and the enemy has used it to change the world we live in.  When under the influence of alcohol or drugs, it's tough to deny your own flesh.  People steal, cheat, and lie, denying how it affects the victim.  The devil has people so wrapped up, they get angry when they get caught.  We have gone from denying ourselves out of pain, to denying ourselves to being even a little uncomfortable.
     Self denial is self inflicted suffering and who wants to suffer?  I believe this plays a big part in why people have such a hard time believing in Jesus.  Why would somebody willingly suffer like He did?  Why would a father sacrifice His son like that?  In this day and age, this doesn't make sense.  Especially when you think they did it for others.  Disciplining children teaches consequences, suffering for the choices made.  So we spoil our kids and we spoil ourselves.  Maybe denial of Jesus and His suffering is really to deny that there is a hell, the ultimate in suffering.
     Self discipline is self denial.  Goodness is taught.  The ten commandments are all about self denial.  Put God first, not yourself.  Put others first, not yourself.  The neighbor's wife is the neighbor's wife, not yours.  You may want it, but deny yourself and do not take it, do not steal. 
     What about the rest of the story?  Cinderella suffers, but she got to go to the ball?  Not the end.  Her prince found her where she was and she lived happily ever after.  Yes, I was sexually molested and I was raped and beat and I suffered a lot of pain, but God doesn't waste pain.  I could dwell on the fact that I will never share my first time with a man I am in love with, but more importantly, my prince is coming one day to get me and we will live happily ever after for eternity.  If we didn't suffer, we wouldn't even look for the prince.  If everything was good all the time, we would have no faith.  If a soldier in God's army doesn't suffer through boot camp, he will not have the strength to fight the spiritual war.  To the enemy, what goes around comes around, faster and harder.  You may have won a few battles in my life, but I'm on the side that wins the war.
     In the story of Job, he was unaware of God's purpose for allowing him to suffer.  He didn't know about the interaction between God and Satan.  God never told him.  Like Job and a lot of people in pain, I found out I was never alone.
 Peter 4:13
but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ’s sufferings, that when His glory is revealed, you may also be glad with exceeding joy.