― Gloria Steinem
These are the days I don't write. These are the days I wake up in a rage and I don't even know what sparked it. I hate the world. Anger keeps my heart beating. Shouldn't I be past this? Shouldn't I care more about God's will for my life than this deep need in my gut to beat somebody? Today is one of the days I want somebody to hurt as bad as I do. The people I have no tolerance for today are the people who look at me and all my dysfunction in judgment instead of looking at themselves. The people who are so sure they know what I need. Here's one that sets me off, "I hope you find a good man one day and learn to be happy." A man? A man is supposed to fix me? Let me tell you a little secret, it was mostly men who put me here in this rage. Oh, I know what comes next. There are good men out there. Duh. I seem to like the ones who are more screwed up than me. Maybe it makes me feel okay. News flash - I don't want a man and if you feel the need to suggest it, keep it to yourself, especially today. The people who are saying, "She'll change her mind one day" - stay away from me. Why would I want another human being with all their problems to complicate my life even more? There is nothing wrong with being single. NOTHING. Maybe God wants me to be alone so I have the freedom to go where he needs me. So if you think you know what I need right now, let me suggest you go look in the mirror for a while. Go listen to the crap coming out of your mouth cause I don't want to hear it.
It would probably be a good idea to lock myself in my room until I come out of this, but I have to function in this world. I have to go to work. I have to be nice, when I would rather cause someone to bleed. These are the days I feel most alone. These are the days when I feel like nobody gets it. I don't want to do this feeling thing. I like being numb. I like being able to watch another person hurt and totally shut off all feelings. I do not want to give up that ability.
I hate the kid inside me. She is a needy little pain. She has caused me nothing but grief. I want to put a pillow over her face until she stops breathing. No wonder nobody liked her when I was little. No wonder everybody left her alone to figure it out for herself. I want to abandon her too.
Dave suggests I let the walls fall - news flash David, those walls aren't there to keep others out, they are there to keep me in, so I don't hurt anyone.
Unless you are like me, unless you have been abused, I don't need your suggestions. Let me define abused. Let's say you are 6' tall, that would be having someone 12' tall pin you down and do whatever they want to your body and you can't even move. That's having somebody call you a little "whore" when you don't even know what that means. That's being told that your parents and God want this to happen to you. That's feeling alone and dirty and ruined for life and nobody cares enough to ask what's wrong, supporting your beliefs that you have no earthly value, except to please who ever decides they want from you. It's being called "trash". You are trash, you have always been trash and you will always be trash and everything that has happened to you is your own fault. It's being told you deserve this. It's being raped at thirteen and then being told in front of all the kids at school that you wanted it. Should I be angry? Good little girls are not supposed to get angry. Children deserve to express their anger or it festers. Don't ever tease a child for crying at a sad movie, it takes away their ability to cry. Should I be past this? I think so. But, I'm not. I want to drink, I want to sleep, I want to run, but I can't, because I'm drowning. While I am drowning, people are needing from me. Is there a difference between giving up and surrendering?
If you have never felt this kind of rage, then be thankful, because apparently you have never seen anything in this world so evil that it changes your soul. Or maybe you chose to look the other way.
“Anger is just anger. It isn't good. It isn't bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It's like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice."
Constructive anger," the demon said, her voice dripping sarcasm.
Also known as passion," I said quietly. "Passion has overthrown tyrants and freed prisoners and slaves. Passion has brought justice where there was savagery. Passion has created freedom where there was nothing but fear. Passion has helped souls rise from the ashes of their horrible lives and build something better, stronger, more beautiful.”
― Jim Butcher, White Night
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