“We all pretend for a while or for a lifetime. But pretending is not living...I believe that God meant for life to take our breath away, sometimes because of the sheer joy of it all and sometimes because of the severe pain. To choose living over pretending means that we will know both.”
― Angela Thomas
I didn't fall asleep until after 11 and I was awake at 2am. I have always had periods of time when I just can't sleep and for a long time I believed it was demons. They kept me weak, by keeping me tired. Lately, I think it's God. When I'm tired I have less resistance to hearing Him. I know there is something I am supposed to be hearing from Him lately that is not clear.
Because I am tired, I can speak on a subject I don't like to talk about. Relationships. I heard a woman talking this morning about a book she had written. I had no interest until something she said, but I don't remember what that was. I purchased the audio book and went to work at 3:30. When I began to listen, I became frustrated because it was not for me. It was about the deep desire all women supposedly have to be adored by somebody. I finished the book anyway, because it turned out to be more about the relationship we want with God.
I went on to listen to a book by Francis Chan, called Crazy Love. It too was about our relationship with Christ and he told a story that made me laugh out loud. The story was about an extra on a movie set. This person was one of many in a crowd and you only saw the back of their head for a few seconds. This person was so thrilled to be in this movie, they rented a theater and filled it with friends, family and even acquaintance's so they could all see the split second shot of the back of the head. By the way this person acted, you would think the movie was all about them. The author went on to say how we all see our lives this way. As big as the universe is and as long as eternity lasts, our life is but a second in this whole movie. Who is the real star? This story is really about God. One of the most gripping scenes is about God sacrificing His only son. We play such a small part in this magnificent story. We are playing a supporting role and our goal is to make the star shine brighter.
He also mentioned the questions we ask God. Why are small children starving? Why can't I meet the right person to be my spouse? What if God turns those questions around on us? Why are there children starving on this planet when we have access to all He has to offer? Why aren't we feeding them? The spouse thing? Are you waiting for the one He has for you or jumping from one relationship to another looking, searching, frustrated? I loved this guy's book until he began talking about whether or not lukewarm Christians are really saved. I then got sick to my stomach and shut it off.
I thought it was interesting that I would first listen to a book about how God adores us. How special each of us is to Him. How no one can love us the way He does. No one can fill that hole in our heart, but Him. Then I went on to read abut how small our part is in the whole story. Knowing how small I am, actually made His love for me bigger.
I would recommend the book "Do You Think I'm Beautiful" by Angela Thomas to every believing woman, especially if your relationship with your father was anything less than perfect. I actually go a lot out of it. Enough to start another book by the same author "Do you know who I am - and other brave questions women ask?"
We all want to be completely known and loved anyway. I think this goes for both men and women. It's scary to let one person know all your little secrets you've been carrying around your whole life. Not just what was done to you, but what you have done to others and mostly, the feelings associated with the secrets. When you do something you know was wrong, but still get a smile on your face when you think about it, because you got even. When you have convinced yourself you were never scared, but the fear still chokes you when you tell the story. I find it most difficult to say, "That hurt." This is what God wants to look at in my life. I have gone through the motions of working on all this stuff, like God, Dave and I were working on a project. We were just making a plan and executing it. When I finally felt like I had been through the worst of it, God says, "How did that feel?" I want to shut off the power and go home. Maybe pull a little Carole Burnett, "I'm glad we've had this time together, just to have a laugh and sing a song, but if you want to talk about my feelings, well, your time with me won't last that long. Goodnight everybody. God bless you!"
“Do you really love me? means, Will you accept me in process? Will you embrace what is different about me and applaud my efforts to become? Can I just be human---strong an vibrant some days, weak and frail on others?...Will you love me even when I disappoint you?...”
― Angela Thomas, Do You Think I'm Beautiful? the Question Every Woman Asks
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