― John C. Maxwell
God gave me a picture. I love it when He does this, because it makes the complicated things simple. Remember Pig Pen on the Charlie Brown cartoon. Well, similar to him, as we refuse to deal with our feelings they grow into a dust storm around us that goes everywhere we go. Unresolved anger, unforgiveness, sadness, etc. swarms around us in a dust storm, getting on people who get near us and leaving a dirty trail every where we have been. It grows because we don't deal with it. We numb ourselves with addictions, escaping temporarily from the dust in our eyes, nose and hair. People see it no matter how we ignore it and don't really want to get close to us, unless they have a dust storm of their own. Then the two join to make a huge swirling destructive mess. We can't see anyone else through the storm of feelings we are hidden in. We act like there is no dirt in our eyes. Everything is fine.
One of the signs of a Pig Pen is a blamer. It's not my fault. Everyone else has caused this dust storm around me and I, the victim, am stuck having to deal with it. A Pig Pen talks a lot, not allowing others to speak because they just might point out that it's not healthy to live in a dust storm. It becomes comfortable to be hidden away in the dust. One of the biggest signs of my emotional immaturity was the angry outbursts. It's difficult for people to see a knife coming at them when you throw it from inside a dust storm. But it's also difficult to see the things and people around us clearly when our vision is obscured by flying emotional debris.
We can't be like Samantha on Bewitched and wrinkle our nose and the dust storm disappears. We have to break it down and deal with each feeling. For instance, when I started dealing with the first abuser, I couldn't just deal with the feelings about being molested. We try to clump our hurts together. I know a person who made a mistake years ago who is still walking through steps of healing. He has been an example to me in that this takes time. So when I started I only dealt with the fact that I had been molested at 7 years old. I had to deal with several different issues one at a time that were caused by this. To name a few:
1. My innocence was taken
2. It damaged my ability to trust
3. Self worth was damaged
4. I had to deal with my feelings about the other little girl and feeling like I should have protected her.
5. The fact that he said my parents knew and were okay with it. (This was whole set of issues on its own)
6. He said God wanted it to happen (This was huge.)
This may seem overwhelming, but actually breaking it down makes it easier. It's like cleaning your house one room at a time. Each one is an accomplishment all by itself and it gives us the drive to tackle the next room. The reward in dealing with your feelings is when you realize the pain has actually developed a lie. For instance: In dealing with the feeling of no value, I found out I have value. To believe that a big mean God stood with his back turned, wanting it to happen was extremely damaging and painful, but the picture of it now is totally different. God didn't want it to happen, He was telling him not to, just like he has told me not to do things that I have done anyway. (Free will) He was more sad then I was, because not only was He hurting for me, but He was hurting for the one who hurt me. And in the end, He has turned it for good.
In the process of growing and knowing Christ, I have had to do it through my head. I had to start there because in my head I could hear the truth and make sense of it. My heart on the other hand was too damaged. My ability to feel correctly was all out of whack. My ability to love and to accept love interfered with my perception. Fear, hurt and good ole pain ruled my heart. Once I had the truth in my head, there was a new process to begin and that was moving it to my heart.
I am in the process of growing my feelings of love until it pushes the other feelings down to the size they should be in a healthy emotionally mature person. The more we fill our hearts with love the less room there is for the ugly stuff. This is called growing up. I have been amazed at times by the mature. For instance when a couple I know lost there young son, not only did they get up and speak encouragement to all the people at his funeral, but instead of curling up in a ball of self absorbed pain they were busy comforting others. Now I'm not saying we shouldn't feel the pain, what I'm saying is to feel it and then move outside of ourselves. This sounds almost impossible but from what I have seen, the healing comes quicker. The dad in this situation said, "If I was going to be mad at God, who was going to comfort me?" Amazing stuff. I am definitely not there yet.
Joyce Meyer does this little skit often where she talks about the enemy winding her up like a toy soldier and then she moves around the stage repeating, "What about me. What about me. What about me." When I first realized that I was a Pig Pen or Joyce Meyer robot, it was embarrassing, but now I understand. It's all about me when I can't see outside of the dust storm of emotions and unresolved feelings growing, getting thicker all around me until I can't see anyone else but me. I wasn't even seeing me clearly. Recently I feel like I have cleared enough of the dust that I have found a whole new world, not the enemy's world, but a world where God is doing things. I want to be a part of that. The coolest thing about it? God says He doesn't even want me to have my room completely clean before I can go out and play with His other kids.
"The Lord is absolutely convinced that the picture He has of you is the right one. It is more real to Him than the picture you have of yourself!" - Graham Cooke
One of the signs of a Pig Pen is a blamer. It's not my fault. Everyone else has caused this dust storm around me and I, the victim, am stuck having to deal with it. A Pig Pen talks a lot, not allowing others to speak because they just might point out that it's not healthy to live in a dust storm. It becomes comfortable to be hidden away in the dust. One of the biggest signs of my emotional immaturity was the angry outbursts. It's difficult for people to see a knife coming at them when you throw it from inside a dust storm. But it's also difficult to see the things and people around us clearly when our vision is obscured by flying emotional debris.
We can't be like Samantha on Bewitched and wrinkle our nose and the dust storm disappears. We have to break it down and deal with each feeling. For instance, when I started dealing with the first abuser, I couldn't just deal with the feelings about being molested. We try to clump our hurts together. I know a person who made a mistake years ago who is still walking through steps of healing. He has been an example to me in that this takes time. So when I started I only dealt with the fact that I had been molested at 7 years old. I had to deal with several different issues one at a time that were caused by this. To name a few:
1. My innocence was taken
2. It damaged my ability to trust
3. Self worth was damaged
4. I had to deal with my feelings about the other little girl and feeling like I should have protected her.
5. The fact that he said my parents knew and were okay with it. (This was whole set of issues on its own)
6. He said God wanted it to happen (This was huge.)
This may seem overwhelming, but actually breaking it down makes it easier. It's like cleaning your house one room at a time. Each one is an accomplishment all by itself and it gives us the drive to tackle the next room. The reward in dealing with your feelings is when you realize the pain has actually developed a lie. For instance: In dealing with the feeling of no value, I found out I have value. To believe that a big mean God stood with his back turned, wanting it to happen was extremely damaging and painful, but the picture of it now is totally different. God didn't want it to happen, He was telling him not to, just like he has told me not to do things that I have done anyway. (Free will) He was more sad then I was, because not only was He hurting for me, but He was hurting for the one who hurt me. And in the end, He has turned it for good.
In the process of growing and knowing Christ, I have had to do it through my head. I had to start there because in my head I could hear the truth and make sense of it. My heart on the other hand was too damaged. My ability to feel correctly was all out of whack. My ability to love and to accept love interfered with my perception. Fear, hurt and good ole pain ruled my heart. Once I had the truth in my head, there was a new process to begin and that was moving it to my heart.
I am in the process of growing my feelings of love until it pushes the other feelings down to the size they should be in a healthy emotionally mature person. The more we fill our hearts with love the less room there is for the ugly stuff. This is called growing up. I have been amazed at times by the mature. For instance when a couple I know lost there young son, not only did they get up and speak encouragement to all the people at his funeral, but instead of curling up in a ball of self absorbed pain they were busy comforting others. Now I'm not saying we shouldn't feel the pain, what I'm saying is to feel it and then move outside of ourselves. This sounds almost impossible but from what I have seen, the healing comes quicker. The dad in this situation said, "If I was going to be mad at God, who was going to comfort me?" Amazing stuff. I am definitely not there yet.
Joyce Meyer does this little skit often where she talks about the enemy winding her up like a toy soldier and then she moves around the stage repeating, "What about me. What about me. What about me." When I first realized that I was a Pig Pen or Joyce Meyer robot, it was embarrassing, but now I understand. It's all about me when I can't see outside of the dust storm of emotions and unresolved feelings growing, getting thicker all around me until I can't see anyone else but me. I wasn't even seeing me clearly. Recently I feel like I have cleared enough of the dust that I have found a whole new world, not the enemy's world, but a world where God is doing things. I want to be a part of that. The coolest thing about it? God says He doesn't even want me to have my room completely clean before I can go out and play with His other kids.
"The Lord is absolutely convinced that the picture He has of you is the right one. It is more real to Him than the picture you have of yourself!" - Graham Cooke
In spite of my outward appearance, I shall try to run a neat inn.
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