Am I?

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.  ~Attributed to Hanoch McCarty

     When I am given a task to perform, I perform much better if I understand the whole process.  It helps me to do my job better and it helps me to solve probelms that may come up.  For example if I become a server at a local restaurant and in the middle of taking my first order, I realize I can't write fast enough, I have a problem.  If all I know is my part of the process, I can abbreviate in my own way and the problem is solved.  When the order gets to the cook and he doesn't understand my abbreviations, he has a problem.  I need to find out how that restaurant abbreviates orders so that I can take the order as quickly as possible, writing all neccessary information in a way that the cook can understand. 
     I have found that I think this way in several areas of life including recovery.  I need to understand the whole process of how I got to be the mess I am.  Lately, God and I have been talking about deception.  For the last couple days, I have been thinking about lies.  I've asked God why people lie.  Dealing with deception has been a big part of my recovery and I believe it is a big part of everyone's process.  Addiction for instance is living a lie to avoid reality. 
     Maybe most people know this stuff and to a degree I did, but tearing it apart and looking at all the moving parts, helps me to understand and understanding helps me to forgive.  Usually I try to put myself in other's shoes, but sometimes I have to ask myself why I do things to understand why others do those same things.  Why have I lied?  First I had to look at what a lie is.  A lie is a false statement made with the deliberate intent to deceive.  Something intended to convey a false impression.  This makes more sense to me.  I started lying when I was very young.  Why?  I lied to cover up the abuse.  Why?  Insecurity is why.  The word insecurity means subject to danger or injury, inadequately guarded or protected.  I was afraid of the possible response I would receive if the truth was known.
     The more thought I have put into this, I believe all lies are rooted in insecurity.  We lie for self preservation.  If you were to know the truth you might realize I am not "good enough" and I may not get what I want.  This could be safety, admiration, or a number of things.  I lie to get what I want because I am not worthy of obtaining it with truth.
     Our society has made it acceptable to lie.  If an employee were to walk into his supervisor's office and say, "I made a mistake and it cost the company money.  This is what I did... yada yada", would we be surprised if the supervisor talked behind the employee's back and said something like, "What an idiot.  I can't believe he just confessed to that.  He has to go."  I wouldn't be surprised in the least.
     It's no wonder lies are acceptable with all the insecurity in the world.  I was a liar when I was a teenager and I found the best way to make a lie believable was to include as much of the truth as I could.  Sometimes I would tell the tell the truth sarcastically to mislead.  For instance, "Yeah right mom, I was out all night getting drunk."  If you say it in a sarcastic tone, it plays on the guilt of the person you are intentionally misleading.  How many husbands come home and say in a sarcastic tone, "Sure honey, that's what I was doing.  I spent the night with a woman in a motel room, not even thinking about you."  He probably did.  Insecurity made him lie.  The fear of losing because of the possible response if the truth were known.  The truth could pack his wife's bags and she would be gone and he would lose.  A cheater lies to himself because of his insecurity.  "I need this other person to be complete."
     Parents lie to their children to get them to do what they want them to do, because they are insecure in their ability to parent?  Employer's lie to employees to accomplish what they need done, because they are insecure in their ability to manage? 
     Arrogance is insecurity.  An arrogant person wants the attention to impress others with the image they portray.  Arrogance and confidence are two completely different beliefs.  Arrogant people control because of their insecurity.  They are afraid of being controlled.  I get this.  I can come across as arrogant in my self protection.  I think narcissism is focusing on yourself to avoid what you believe to be other's opinions of you.  It's living a lie to what you truly believe.  Insecurity growing into self hatred.
     The compulsive iar has built an image of himself that he has to continue lying to uphold.  The habit isn't the lying as much as building a false image. 

     The truth sets you free?  Why?  Honesty creates security.  If you are secure in who you are in Christ, honesty is a given.   Exodus 3:14  And God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM.” And He said, “Thus you shall say to the children of Israel, ‘I AM has sent me to you.’”  When I hear this statement, the words that come to mind are power, security, and truth.   If we are secure we can say I am who I am and mean it without the twinge in our stomach caused by self doubt.

     The devil is the father of all lies and all lies are from him.  They say truth hurts, but lies hurt more.  Lies hurt others, but hurt the liar the most.  Pain - Lies are born in it, grow through it and cause more of it.

     More than ever the verse I have heard Dave say many times makes sense.  James 5:16 (NIV)

¹⁶ Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

     Insecurity causes a person to lie, creating a false image of who they are.  You have to confess everything to another before they can truly love you.  If they believe the false image you are presenting, then it is that image they love.  No wonder people cheat.  You know who you've been honest with and you know who you have not been honest with.  Therefore you know who loves the real you and who loves the false you.

     The whole cycle of insecurity, lying, more insecurity, more lying is really sad and I have a new compassion for the person who feels they are not worthy of the truth.  I quit lying years ago and in return I have become secure enough to face the truth and to speak out about it.  It's a cycle, truth, security, more truth, more security.  I'm even starting to believe God really does love me and a couple other people do too.

“People think that a liar gains a victory over his victim. What I’ve learned is that a lie is an act of self-abdication, because one surrenders one’s reality to the person to whom one lies, making that person one’s master, condemning oneself from then on to faking the sort of reality that person’s view requires to be faked…The man who lies to the world, is the world’s slave from then on…There are no white lies, there is only the blackest of destruction, and a white lie is the blackest of all.”
― Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged