Symptoms?

     God has put it on my heart to write this, though it is very uncomfortable for me.  He won't let me watch my movie until I do this.  I can tell it is important, because of the opposition I am getting from the enemy.  I have had to reboot my PC twice, I've seen a dark shadow at the bottom of my stairs, and there is a cold breeze in my warm house.  I pray that whoever this is for, reads it, though it may be for the person writing it.

     I get frustrated when people say they are not affected by the abuse they endured as a child or parents who think their child is "over it".  The worst is when a parent doesn't believe their child.  Let me tell you, kids don't make this stuff up and if they are brave enough to come forward with it, please, please, please listen to them.
     I didn't truly deal with my sexual abuse until this last year and I can honestly say the symptoms, the quirks I have that are caused by it, only get worse.  God wants me to talk about those issues.
     I'm in no way saying that if you share any of these symptoms it was caused by sexual abuse and I can't be sure that it was my abuse that caused each of these, but there are things about me I don't share, because I am embarrassed for one and because they have always made me feel like there is something wrong with me.  Each of these things can be huge one day and nonexistant the next, but I mostly deal with them every day.
     1. The most obvious affect, the thing you will first notice when meeting me, is that I wear my clothes baggy.  I wear sweats and sweatshirts every day.  This is caused by body shame.  I will not wear fitted clothes because they make me feel naked.
     2.  I fight weight issues and have fought eating disorders, because I don't want to be attractive.  I don't want the attention.  There was a time in my life when this was the opposite.  I wore too little, too tight and was underweight, because I craved the attention.
     3.  My hair is too long and I have too much of it.  I have a very difficult time with people touching my hair.  I have to be mentally prepared to get it cut.  It has to get really long before I force myself to go in.  This is actually humerous sometimes, because I think the enemy uses my hair against me.  I shut it in the car door, I roll it up in the car window, I have even got it caught under my own arm.  Another thing about this, one little tug on my hair can send me into a rage.  I can tell you it is very difficult to pitch a major fit while driving down the road with your hair rolled up in the window.  (the laughing comes later of course)
     4.  I like to keep my back against the wall so I can see where everyone is.  I don't like people behind me, especially if I don't realize they are there.   Standing in line at the grocery store can be pure hell on a bad day.  To that person who likes to breathe down my neck - BACK OFF.
     5.  I am only now learning to look people in the eyes.  Most of the time I am watching everything going on around us so I don't get surprised.
     6.  I hate surprises of any kind.  I have come undone when men have sent me flowers.  Not the reaction they were expecting.  Surprise parties are out. 
     7.  Mouth noises make me crazy.  When people click their tongues or even chew food, say cereal for instance.  I don't understand, but it makes me angry.
     8.  I don't like people near my food.  If they get too close, I can't eat it.  Some of my closest friends can eat off my fork, but other people even look at my food and I can't deal with it.  I have not been able to figure out why one person who I just met can take food off my plate, when someone I have known for years can stand next to me and I have to throw my food away.
     9.  I hate kissing.  I could go the rest of my life without kissing anyone but my grandkids.  They are different.  I don't like anything near my mouth.  This has been a big issue with going to the dentist and I have paid for it.
     10.  Restraining me in anyway could get you hurt really bad.  I have had friends in the past who grab my wrists when they are talking to me - note: Friends in the past.  Men who are really tall will sometimes come up behind me and affectionately wrap an arm around my neck, but they only do that once.  I am getting better, though.  The man who owns a store I stop at most every day grabbed my wrist a couple days ago.  I stood there grinning, because it didn't bother me.
     11.  I'm afraid of the dark.  At 47 years old, I feel like I am suffocating in the dark.  Until recently I have always slept with the TV on.  I read that people don't sleep as well with any lights on, because the light can penetrate our eyelids.  I have been tired for years.
     12.  I have horrible nightmares.  I hold Satan responsible for my nightmares.  I have learned to pray before I go to bed and God has kept them from interupting my sleep when I remember to pray about it.  When I have a nightmare, I talk outloud and I hit and kick, injuring many blankets and sometimes myself.
     13.  I don't like bathrooms.  I was abused in bathrooms many times and for years had a hard time looking at myself in the mirror.  With this combination, I don't spend much time in the bathroom.
     14.  Hands.  Some hands can make me cringe when they touch me or are held out for me to shake. 
     15.  Most of my life I constantly feel like I am being watched.  I had always believed this was from the abuse, but recently I read that if you feel like you are being watched, you probably are, by a demon.  This feeling has gone away since I have dealt with the demonic presence.  I believe victims of sexual abuse are special people who Satan tries to take out of the game at an early stage and that many of us have always felt watched, because we have a purpose the enemy doesn't want us to fulfill.
   It seems these are the symptoms God wanted me to list, though there are several more, such as fear of people, difficulty staying focused, isolating, I'm sick all the time, etc. etc.  All these things are getting better and sometimes I have to do it afraid, but the work I am doing the books I have been reading and writing about this stuff is all helping to heal the issues.  With all these fears and different issues, the desire to overcome helps me to keep Jesus next to me every minute of everyday.  I pray through using different bathrooms, I pray through conversations and sitting in church, because functioning in this world like other people do without even thinking is a full time battle.  People say "Get over it" - they don't know what they are talking about.  They don't even know what that means.  I get it.  I really do.  God gets it, too!