Three little words that make me tilt my head to the side and raise an eyebrow - "Get Over It. I have found these words are usually said by three different people.
1. A person who has never been through it
2. A person who doesn't want to face their own issues
3. A good friend who really knows it's time, but should say "Get through it"
Getting over it is impossible without going through it. Letting go is impossible if you don't take ahold of it. I know there are people who have suffered unimaginable pain. Pain that is felt physically in the heart, pain that takes your breath away when you think about it. I get it. I have felt that kind of pain and I have seen it. I saw that pain on the face of my friend when she had to come to terms with the fact her grandson had been brutally murdered. She suffered pain she could only survive by becoming completely numb at first. There is pain from abuse, from abandonement, from being cheated on. You wonder if you will survive. Put your hand on your chest, do you feel a heartbeat? It didn't kill you, so you have a purpose.
I read a book written by a woman who had been cheated on by her husband. She faced her pain by imagining him with the other woman. This may seem like self abuse, but it helped her face the pain. I had to do it to accept what had happened to me. I'm not going to lie, it hurts, but it heals. You have to feel it, to heal it. Everyday we don't take a hold of it and admit it happened, every day we focus on blame, every day we numb ourselves past the initial shock, is a day Satan takes from us. Hasn't he done enough damage. I let him have 40 years of my life and he will not get one more day from me.
One phrase Dave repeated to me over and over "You have to go through it, it's the only way to get to the other side". I didn't get it at first, go through what? Then I realized it was the one thing I didn't want to look at, my whole childhood and all it's hurts. But when I did, I took off. The 12 step recovery program is not just for alcoholics. It's for anyone who wants to recover from anything. The 12 steps are bible based. There is scripture to support each step.
Check out http://alcoholicsvictorious.org/12-steps.html
What is it? What is it we need to get through? It's whatever holds you up from moving forward. "It" is that thing that sits in the middle of your road of progress and stops you every time. Trauma? A tradgedy? A divorce? "It" is that thing that negatively changed your life course and changed you. Maybe it was a childhood that just plain sucked, abandonement, abuse, death, or maybe a number of things. If you decide "it" is something you did to someone else, you may want to go back further and look at what happened to make you the kind of person who would do whatever it was you did. If you had an affair and you think that's what you need to "go through" maybe you need to go back further and find what happened that made you a person who would have an affair. Don't get me wrong, you will need to deal with what you did to others eventually, but you have to start at the root. Breaking a weed off at ground level doesn't kill it, you have to dig it up by the roots. I heard recently that all wounds heal from the inside. Even though you place a band-aid over a cut and the scab is at surface level, the true healing starts in the deepest part of the wound. It's work, but it's worth it.
I thought I had dealt with the abuse. I had looked at it, went to counseling, talked about it, but I had also minimized it. I never really looked at what it did to me. I had to go back and admit what happened, feel the pain from it, and realize the affects it had on who I am and how I lived my life. The truth shall set you free. I found a freedom after the pain. I found a peace I had never known. I could have never done it alone and I don't suggest anyone try to do it alone. I had Pastor Dave, a counselor, and God. God was in control of my recovery and used Dave and my counselor to support me in the work He was having me do. I realize this was why it had never worked before. I had never brought God into it and allowed Him to be the head Healer. I depended on humans and even though they are important, God has to be the one who directs each step and He will give you the strength to get through it..
As the head Healer in my recovery, God also took the most abuse from me. I admit while I was feeling the pain, I was angry at God. I refused to talk to Him, told Him what I thought of His plan a few times and blamed Him for everything. One of the most important things Dave did, was help me see the truth in God's role. I always pictured God with His back turned during the abuse, but Dave helped me see that God never enjoys our pain. I see it more through a parent's eyes now. When one of my kids hurt another, I hurt with both of them. I obviously hurt with the victim. I feel their pain and want to comfort them, I never wanted to turn my back or found any pleasure in their pain. Also, as a parent, I hurt for my child who felt the need to hurt their sibling. I could usually see the pain that was causing them to lash out. It was more difficult to stand back and watch the situation play out than to step in, but that's what I had to do sometimes.
When my son was picked on by the bully at school, I wanted to take that kid by the back of the neck and run him up the flagpole, but once I got past the initial protective anger, I had to coach my son through dealing with it himself. What would he have learned if I had interfered? Would it have turned out as well?
The twelve steps are not a one time thing. You don't work the steps and are forever healed. It is a process. After step 12 is step 1 again, on a deeper level. It's the whole onion theory. Layer by layer. Of course I do have a friend who went through the healing process like peeling a banana. Boom, boom, boom, and threw the peel away. I don't think there are many people who can do this successfully, but it is how God chose to take her through it.
The most important thing I learned as I faced my powerlessness was God was waiting for me. He wanted me to be healed more than I wanted it for myself. I have this picture of Jesus in fatigues with Dave, my counselor, and a few good friends all suited up behind Him. Beside him is a table with videos, books, and all the other tools I will need. As Jesus stands there with his sleeves pushed up, His arms are open. It was like He was saying "Let's start this process with a hug and an I love you". If He brought you to it, He will bring you through it. He doesn't walk away at step three or turn His back at step 10. He is down in the dirt with you all the way through.
I had to get on my knees before God and hold open my hands and imagine giving him my abuse, my abusers, the pain and hurt that went with it. I gave Him everything that was stopping me. He took it right out of my hands and then He held them and gave me healing. I have come along way in a year and I have a long way to go, but the peace came a lot sooner than I thought it would. At first it was small moments, but those moments grew into hours and now days and weeks.
When I decided to hand over my life and all the issues, situations, hurts and pain, Satan was not happy. He told me, I wasn't worth it, God had more important issues, the abuse was my fault, it would take too long, I couldn't do it, give up, I would be better off dead and many, many other lies. The devil is a liar. We are worth it, we are important to God, our lives have meaning or we wouldn't be here. Lies will bind you up, but the truth will set you free.
Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
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