The pastor spoke last night of a fifteen year old girl who is in deep pain causing behavior that will cause more pain. The words "fifteen year old girl" spark something in my heart. When I was a "fifteen year old girl" my life changed drastically. I was already an alcoholic, suicidal and consumed with anger. I was not sleeping with the person I was seeing at the time until we broke up and I met him at a party the next weekend. That one time was all it took. God allowed a child to be created in my immature body. One of my first thoughts was now I could not commit suicide bcause I would surely be punished by God for taking the life of this child.
For many years when I thought about becoming a teenaged parent, I thought of how it affected me. There were so many things I missed out on and was unable to do. But to be honest, would I have done them? Would I have drank myself to death? Would I have jumped off the Deception Pass Bridge like I had thought of many times? Did God allow this pregnancy to save my life?
Now when I think of being a teenage parent, I think of that little boy who was placed in my path of destruction. I wanted him with all my heart and even though I walked through my options, I planned on keeping him. Through the years I knew I made the right decision. The first time I doubted my choice was after his first marriage ended in divorce and his heart was crushed by a woman who is alot like me. Had I sacrificed his life to save my own?
If I thought I went without things because of the pregnancy, now I saw all that he went without. I had no patience to work with him like he deserved. I was short tempered and miserable. I continued in my alcoholism, my angry rages, and my paranoid behavior. I still wanted to die and yet he gave me a reason to live. At one point on a day of extreme fear I drove to the school and pulled him and his two little sisters out of class and brought them home with me. I locked the doors and closed the blinds, because I knew there was something evil out there. What did it look like for this boy to see his mother repeatedly peering through the blinds waiting for something bad to happen? This behavior was not drug induced. It was pure panic from the evil I had seen during the sexual abuse. I knew evil existed and it was overwhelming to think that I was responsible for keeping these three kids safe. I hadn't been able to keep myself safe.
As I watch my son today, I see two things. I see pain that I caused by my reaction to my life, but bigger than that, I see God's hand in my son's life. I'm not sure how God did it, but he made my son a beautful strong man inspite of my defective influence. It started when he was young. At six years old he quoted scripture out of the blue, he opened doors for people with a smile and a "hello". I was sitting at a stop light one day when he was about 12 and he jumped out of the car without a word and helped a man push his car too the gas station. Sometimes he is late getiing where he is going because he pumps gas for old ladies or helps a stranded motorist. He fights his own demons, but he is more giving than anyone I know. To see him today with his family you would never know he was born to a teenager. He and his wife are a very attractive couple with three beautiful, well behaved kids. His three year old son melts my heart with "No, thanks you's" and "Yes, ma'am's" When he smiles I see that little boy I use to know.
If you spent time with my son, you would eventually know about his childhood, because he shares. All of my kids are comforters. They are givers. They all have huge hearts that are broken often, because they are such big easy targets. As I walk through the past trying to heal old wounds I have a whole new respect for my kids. Being born to a teenage, alcoholic, victim of sexual abuse is extremely unfair, and just plain hard. They are amazing people. If they weren't my kids I would still want to know them. People have asked my son if I'm his sister most of his life and when he was younger it used to make him really angry. Now, people ask him if he knows me and he always keeps a straight face and says, "Yeah, I know her. We grew up together."
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