Sharing

“The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians: who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.”
― Kevin Max

 

      As I have said before my mouth filters tend to be worn on my ears.  If ever I offend someone this could be the day.  I don't mean to offend anyone.  I very much don't ever want to cause harm to anyone, but if I hurt you and it causes change for the better or healing, I'm not afraid of it.  I have been fighting a battle the last couple days that has caused a lot of anger and also caused me to put my words away.  I had to figure out exactly what was going on inside me before I dared write anything.  I have figured it out.
 
      A friend and I had a conversation the other day about finding it more difficult to forgive other Christians. My first thought and what I told her, is that I believe it is more difficult because we are supposed to be brothers and sisters, all Children of God.  Nobody can hurt you like a sibling.  Siblings are supposed to have your back, no matter what.  My friend and I each have one person we feel is more difficult to forgive than others who have done things that are just as bad or worse.  
     I have been a Christian for many years, but only recently decided to give up the milk and do God's will instead of my own.  I have watched Christians hoping to learn what I need to change and how to be a better person.  The people God has moved into my life this last year are amazing and I am beginning to see His reasoning for each of them. 
     I have had to ask myself, why I find it so difficult to forgive one person especially a fellow believer.  As I sit back and look at all the people I have met who have been positive influences, I compare them to find the difference.  God has placed two pastors in my life and they have both helped me tremendously.  He has opened up old relationships to become a whole new experience.  He has placed women in front of me that I know I can turn to and I will be there for them.  He has also placed people who are challenging to be around, but I know they are in my life for a reason.
     God's timing is amazing.  I have battled sharing my story.  There is a huge part of me that says this is my life and it's nobody's business, but then there is another part that reminds me of all the times I read a book or heard a speaker who was telling my story and I learned from it.  It's difficult to be open with your shortcomings and failures, but there's something to be said about releasing it.  You are only as sick as your secrets.  Who can say, including the enemy, "You're a cheater" if I've already admitted to cheating?  Who can say, "You are abusive" when I've already admitted to being abusive?  Who can say, "You're an addict" when I've already admitted to being an addict?  I could be here all night, but I think you get the point.  Take the power away.
    Going back to the differences between the two Christians, one I respect and want to be more like and the one I just don't trust.  The difference is the story.  The alcoholic that helps the alcoholic is the one who shares the struggles.  The cancer patient who helps the cancer patient is the one shares how they feel about the pain.  The cheater who helps the cheater is the one who admits to why they cheated and how difficult it was to stop.  Abusers help abusers with their story, people who struggle with doubt and unbelief help others who struggle, by telling their story.  If you pretend you have it all together, placed neatly in a box, you have nothing left out to give.  It's those who have had their life shattered and the pieces lay at their feet who help others.  The light shines better through cracked pots.  Struggles are the fertilizer for compassion. 
     Sharing our struggles makes us all equal.  Those that keep it in a box under their arm have a free hand to point with and that's what we fear.  I've made major mistakes that have hurt people in ways I can't even imagine going through myself.  I have been hurt to the same degree.  The most amazing people in my life have done some of the most hurtful and selfish things to others and I love them for being brave enough to open up and share.  I trust them.  It's bonding, like sitting around the table on a cold winter day with the fire burning and  all our pieces spilled out on the table, as we all struggle to put them all back together.
     The person with their pieces in a box unwilling to trust have to feel left out.  It has to be a lonely feeling.  I've been accused of some pretty awful things that I didn't do and the reason it hurts is because I have been so open about my mistakes and failures.  So I keep dumping them out there for all the world to see.  What I realize is that my fear is being a Christian that turns away an unbeliever with by behavior.  Behavior that says I am better than you and behavior that judges instead of showing compassion.  All anger is fear based.  Why does some behavior make me angry?  Because I am afraid I might behave that way.  Joyce Meyer has said many times "As many people as you can help, you can hurt."  I've seen it.  From illegal acts committed by a Christian to everyday gossip, manipulation, and lies.  The thought of turning a person away from Christ by my own carelessness, makes me sick to my stomach. 
     I sat in church one Sunday morning bound up in my own misery.  A lady walked in and sat next to me, immediately telling me it was her first time at that church.  In my own misery, I wasn't very friendly.  I tried to fake a little kindness and tell her I was sure she would like it, but truth be told, I wanted to be left alone.  It was a day of demon fighting and I didn't have time for niceties.  I was cold.  Half way through the service she got up and left.  I don't know why she left, but it bothers me that I might have caused her to leave and I wonder if she ever came back.  I'm sure when we fail God has other means to accomplish His plans, but I don't want to fail when given the opportunity to serve. 

     Just in case there is any confusion on what I have said here let me summarize.  People have had trauma happen to them and people have caused trauma to others.  What makes me angry is when individuals are busy pointing fingers at those willing to share, while keeping their trauma, failures and shortcomings a tight lipped secret.  I refuse to let them shut me up.  I support anyone who opens up and shares when they are ready.  Don't let the fear of judgement keep you quiet like I have done, because telling your story causes healing for the story teller as well as the one hearing the story.  Follow in the foot steps of the greatest story teller.  If you have to, do what I do, I keep a stone in my pocket to remind me of Jesus' words, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her."  

    

“If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies; succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway…
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway.”
― Kent M. Keith