I was in a meeting Friday at work. A few of us gathered in the conference room, but before we got started somebody came to the door. She didn't get it closed all the way when she left. A man got up to close the door, but when he did, another door to the conference room opened from the change in air pressure. When he closed it, the first door opened again. It was entertaining, but frustrating. This is what recovery has felt like to me. I have several doors around me and when I think I have finally got one closed, another pops open, sometimes two. All I do is travel from one to the next closing them. The door of anger, the door of forgiveness, the door of doubt, insecurity, unbelief, I'm forgetting to pray, pride opens up and some days I curl up in a ball and let them all hang open.
Commitment is a tough word. A quote I have used often as a single person over the years, I heard from Cher. "Marriage is a wonderful institution, if you want to spend your life in an institution." Committed has two meanings to me and I am afraid of both of them. Commitment is one of my doors. I'm working on this. I have made a commitment to show up for church every Saturday night, to support Dave. Of course I get something out of it too, but I can get that sitting at home watching him preach on line. Now they have asked for help on Saturday nights and I kind of...sort of...in a way...want to do that, but two commitments at the same time and on the same night? I could pass out. If you don't get those doors closed fast enough a big fat "What if" comes through it. I am definitely not one of those people with a full schedule who has to see if I can squeeze you in for a cup of coffee. I just heard the door of guilt open. Wait here while I go shut it.
So tonight I went to church, like I said I would and I prayed for Dave, like I always do... okay so it's only been 3 or 4 Saturday nights in a row so far, but it's a start. God doesn't seem to realize I am only a Toddler Christian and He gave me a few responsibilities. One is to share more detail about my life than he asks most people to do and one of those is to support Dave. I pray for him regularly, I make him laugh, and I knock him off his pedestal when he needs it. (See, I just made him laugh) Okay, I haven't really done that, but I'm ready should the need arise. At the end of the service tonight a woman got up to speak about some needs at the church. My mind started right away thinking of things I could. Also, I have spent some time talking with this woman through email and on the phone as she has helped me with some personal issues. She's been really good to me. Wrapped up in my usual bondage of fear, I wouldn't normally think about it, but tonight I actually wanted to introduce myself to her and I even thought about a hug. This is not normal thinking for me, but I decided I was going to do it. As she spoke, the ideas I was having kept growing until I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I was in the back row of course, so I turned around, but nobody was there. I decided maybe, my hair moved or something, but then I heard "Your ideas are stupid. You'll never do it anyway." I left the minute church was over. On the way home I thought more about what I could do, but then the old tapes started playing in my mind. It's so frustrating after all these months of working so hard to change and step out of this cocoon I have built around myself. The enemy has attacked me the last few days in a way he hasn't attacked for months. I can't seem to laugh my way out of it. To be honest, I would like to have a drink.
So I come home to hide in my room where I'm safe from the unknown, like new ideas and new people and I let the enemy convince me he is right. I will never do it. I will never step out and do anything good. I know I should be praying, and this might sound strange, but when I am in this place, I don't want to hear the nice stuff. I don't want to hear it from God and I don't want to hear it from Dave. I decide to work on a book I'm writing, but when I start reading it, even it sounds stupid. I sent an email to Dave, apologizing for leaving so fast and decided to play a mindless game on Face Book. Then this message pops up. "Your Father does not want you to have a poor self-image. He wants you to think highly of yourself, because you are His creation." James Robison It was just enough to get me looking for more. I started to download a Beth Moore video to watch tonight. As it was downloading, I went back to FB and this message from Joyce Meyer popped up.
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