Authority?

"You cannot strengthen the weak, by weakening the strong."

Abraham Lincoln

Do people try to make God small so they feel more powerful?  Afraid to place dependence on something they can't see?  Afraid they will cease to exist and become the typical Christian robot?

When I was a kid, I saw God as "The Punisher" waiting for me to make a mistake so He could straighten me out.  He was an angry God and I was sure the bulk of His anger was aimed at me.  I was a disappointment.  Isn't this, in a way, making God weak?  If anger was the only word I had to describe Him, then He would be pretty small.  I saw Christians as weak.  They were submitting to an angry God.  They sat in church every Sunday and said corny things and smiled all the time.  They baked cookies and laughed at silly jokes that were not funny.  My eyes have since been opened.

I've wondered why now?  Why after all these years of struggling have I finally seen truth, I couldn't see before?  God's timing?  I think it was kind of a mid-life crisis.  It started when I turned forty and realized I had done nothing with my life.  My fear of turning my life around was submitting to authority.  My childhood was full of submission.  I was forced to submit to my abusers.  My dad was a very strict father who believed children should be seen, not heard.  I remember being punished for things I didn't do or didn't do intentionally and nobody ever asked my side of the story.  There was no use speaking up, because my opinion and wants didn't matter.  The idea of submitting to the authority of an angry God who demanded I live by the "Because I said so" rule, was not attractive to me.  Christians were "the good kids" that I could never seem to be.

I think back to the people who tried to "straighten me out."  There was a pastor who gave me the creeps.  In the months after my dad left, he came to the house to "get me saved".  He sat with his arm around me and all I could think about was I was not going to do anything that made this creepy man happy.  He didn't know it, but I was already saved and I wouldn't give anyone the satisfaction of telling them.  For years on Wednesday nights, I went to a group for kids at the church.  My grandma was the teacher and that was the only reason I went.  One night we got to see a movie.  I was excited.  I didn't get it.  My Christian grandma made us watch a scary movie with blood and murder and people chasing people.  When I got home, my mom explained the second coming in very little detail.  Soon after that I went to a summer bible camp.  It was a day camp and I stayed with a friend from school at her grandparent's house for the week.  Her aunt was there and constantly talked to us about what we learned each day.  Then she asked us when we thought Jesus would return.  My friend decided He would return on Easter.  Years later, after dad left and mom was out, on a dark and dreary Easter, I knew the day had come.  I was scared to death.  I made my brother and sister sleep in my mom's room with me and we locked the door, to keep Jesus out.  Petrified, I sat and watched the clock, waiting for Easter to be over.  I just knew that the angry God from my childhood was going to throw open that bedroom door and take my brother and sister and after torturing me, leave me their for Satan himself to scoop me up and take me to hell, even though I was saved.  I even made a phone call to a friend of my moms, explaining that I knew somebody was coming to get us, but afraid to tell her who.  She might laugh.  She actually asked me if I was taking drugs.

There were others who tried to help me, but it felt like we were from two different worlds.  They didn't get me and I sure didn't get them.  I felt doomed.  Submitting?  If you were to ask my dad to tell you a story about me, I know which story he would tell.  He has told it a hundred times and I have always listened with a sheepish grin.  I was three years old and dad told me to put my boots away.  I don't remember it and I doubt I ever told him "no" again, but on this day that is exactly what I did.  No!!  I got a spanking and I cried.  Dad told me again to put my boots away and again I said "No" and I got a spanking and I cried.  We went rounds until my brother was crying and asking if he could put my boots away for me, but dad said "no" and again told me to do it.  I said "no." (Do I hear a pastor chuckling somewhere, Dave?)  I never did put my boots away.  This is how I saw my relationship with God.  He has been telling me to clean up my mess and in my own way, I kept telling him "No".

"You don't lead by hitting people over the head-that's assault, not leadership."
-General Dwight D. Eisenhower

In January of 2011, I was trying to go to church and smile robotically, when I heard Dave speak.  He told his story.  He confessed right there in front of God and everybody that he was not just a pastor, not just a believer, but a human who made a very human mistake.  Most of the time when you hear of a pastor making such a mistake, they disappear and you never hear form them again, but not Dave.  He went on to tell, not only how he dealt with it, but how God dealt with him by loving him.  How his friends and family suffered from his mistake and God healed those relationships.  He didn't minimize, he didn't play the hero, or the person who got away with something.  He talked about all the emotions including shame, guilt, anger, and fear.  This gave me hope.  Maybe the whole robot theory, the whole "good kids" theory was untrue and there was room for someone like me.

I tried to believe that God loved me, like He loved Dave.  I watched Passion of the Christ, while telling myself that Jesus went through all of it for me.  It didn't work.  I got hungry, I had to use the bathroom, I had to go find things that were lost months ago and I even had to take a little nap.  Whether it was the enemy, or it was just too much for my mind to wrap around, I couldn't believe He loved me that much.  So what do you do with somebody like me?

I can see now why God chose Dave.  It's a lot easier to submit to following a leader than to authority.  God gave us free will.  He wants us to follow by choice,  Following Him by choice shows Him we love Him.  We trust Him.  It's a process.  The longer we follow, the more we trust, the easier it is to follow and submit to His authority.  If He were to control us and make us do what He wants by manipulation, demanding, and punishment, it wouldn't work.  He wouldn't really get what He wants from us.  I have never heard Dave say, "My church" or "They work for me".  Instead they are a group of people striving for the same goal.  He happens to be the one who speaks every weekend and kind of hold things together.  He has a lot of other responsibilities, but when he talks about those he speaks as though they are his responsibilities because he is a believer doing God's will, not the "Boss".  One weekend I found myself explaining to Dave why I didn't show up for church.  His response was, "You're not in trouble with me."  I remember feeling kind of silly.  Why was I explaining it to him?  He wants me to want to show up.

There are a lot of things Dave has suggested I do that I haven't, but I have never felt like I was in trouble with him.  The longer I know him and the more I trust him the easier it is to follow his suggestions.  I know he is not leading me for his gain.  Everything I learn from him is in my best interest and to please God.  He has said at times that we are equal and he treats me that way. 

So now I have graduated from Baby Christian to Toddler Christian.  I follow behind Dave asking, "Why?"  "Why did you do that?  What does this mean?  Where am I going?  How do I get there?  Am I doing this right?  Why?  Why?  Why?  Some days I run right out in the street and other days I need to take a nap.  (To give him a break) 

"I have to follow them. I am their leader."
-Alexandre-Auguste Ledru-Rollin, Leader of the French Revolution of 1848