It was one year ago today that in all my pain, I emailed the pastor and asked him for help. He has a policy of directing women to work with other women, but I didn't sign my name or let on that I was female at first. When I finally did he tried to push me to connect with women, but God told him this time he was to be available. I know if he would have turned me away, I would have given up. Over the last year it's been made clear on several occasions why God put him in my life. I don't want to embarass him, but as I think over the last year the most important thing he has been to me is an example of unconditional love. The weekend before I emailed him, he spoke on love though I wouldn't realize that for months. He talked about how we are to love others, totally oblivious to the fact that he was about to be challenged. He practiced what he preached with me. I was so full of pain and rage, it was impossible for him to be that close and not be touched by the poison spilling out of me. Sometimes it was like a balloon popped and I was instantly spewing my pain all over him. I was abusive. I called him names, told him to go away, I even told him I hated him. I believe sometimes the only reason he hung in there was his love for God. He stayed steady, or at least that's how it appeared to me. Sometimes, I thought he was just doing his job as a pastor. He would try to encourage me and I would rage at him with, "I hope you feel better." He would very calmly say, "I feel the same." This always cracked me up and brought me out of it. He wasn't allowing my emotions to control his emotions. I think this is a very valuable lesson. I would attack him and then pray, "God, please don't let him leave me."
He is the big brother I always wanted. He's protective, he's funny, he never stops teaching me, he's honest and I trust him, which is huge. To best describe the relationship we have had over the last year, I would say he was like a parent introducing a child to a new person. He had to stand between me and God sometimes, because of my fear and shame. He always pushed me toward Him and stepped back, but was ready to step in and stop me from running away. He has been the big brother who went before me and now is convincing me it's safe. In the beginning, God gave me a picture of the pastor kneeling in front of Him and motioning for me to come closer and that is what our relationship has been. When I couldn't trust God, I could trust the pastor.
Our stories are similiar, amazingly similiar. We are a lot alike. We share strengths and we share weaknesses. It's always been on my heart to help people, as obviously it's been put on his. Like him I have always wanted to be part of the battle against abuse and pain, but mostly against the damage Satan does to people and their families. He is like a higher ranking officer in the army of God who one day threw on his fatigues and began training this new soldier. He got right down in the dirt with me and helped me dig up the hurt and heal it. Sometimes he had to carry me when I wouldn't let God. He's teaching me to build bridges instead of bombing them into a million pieces. He read books on abuse, prayed for me daily, shed tears and wiped mine away with his words. He's human, but tries not to act like one. The reason he touches people's hearts is because he is open. The first time I heard him speak, he was telling his story. He admitted his mistakes and that he hurt people and also how difficult it was to repair the damage. Over the last year he has shared bits and pieces when I needed it. He says "I get it" and the big one "You can't get rid of me." Believe me, I tried. He has been an example to me, that I pray someday I can be to someone else. He's not perfect though and that's what made him perfect for the job. He doesn't know this, but I saw through his attempts at reverse psychology and sometimes I laughed, when he really wasn't funny. It's been a tough year, but it has been an amazing year. Oh, Dave, Jesus loves you!
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