Breathe, just breathe

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
-- M. Kathleen Casey

   
Today started out with a powerful quiet time with Jesus.  I felt the love to the point of tears most of the morning.  I know why He showed up now.  My day turned to crap and He was giving me something to hang on to.  As in all recovery, you go through cycles.  First a realization, then the pain and anger, acceptance and growth, then you move to the next level.  The moment you realize there is a part of you stuck in an infantile emotional state a swarm of feelings come over you.  Embarrassment - I'm too old to feel like this.  Anger - why am I stuck here?  Hopelessness - will I ever recover and be a somewhat normal human being?  Wait?  I'm not sure I want to be normal anymore.  The first emotional frenzy was caused by the fact I may have to travel to another state for a class.  Big deal, right?  It is a big deal that the common person can't grasp.  There's embarrassment in even talking about it, but somebody in this world knows what I'm talking about.
     I would prefer to drive.  I could fly.  Thinking about trying to get from the airport to a hotel starts my stomach churning.  It could go smooth or the "what ifs" could kill me.  What about finding the class - now we are talking real fear.  Sitting in a class with strangers is absolutely useless.  My survival skills kick in, my hyperawareness does not permit me to hear what's being taught, but I can hear ever questionable word said by an odd looking stranger.  I could be honest and ask for somebody to go with me.  Then my protective side takes over and I take care of business, but share a room, I am back to queasy.  Why explain?  I usually get frustrated stares with "Humph" mouth noises.  How can anyone know if they don't know?
     God gives me little breaks.  For a while I plug in my earphones and turn up the music as loud as it will go and focus on my job.  For lunch, four of us sit together and laugh.  We talked about nothing important and laughed.  I was looking at the three I was sitting with thanking God for intersecting our lives.  We all have histories, issues, blessings of our own that are all brought together at this table for a few brief minutes in our lives and we laugh. 
     I make it through the day, go for a little ride, and have a nice long chat with God.  Basically He says "It's time to grow up."  He wants me to take responsibility for my actions, face my weaknesses, and trust Him.  Okay fine.  I'm not thinking about it anymore today.  I didn't make this mess, why do I have to clean it up?  If I want a real life, I have to.
     I stumble on a documentary.  It's about a father and son accused of abusing several young boys.  Why do I watch this stuff?  Most of the time, I learn from it.  If I don't learn about myself, I learn about the people around me.  I get comfortable and watch about half of it.  I'm recognizing an overwhelming amount of deep denial.  It's amazing to me.  Should it be?  I minimize.  Isn't that a form of denial?  I have always minimized the abuse.  I remember the first time I told Dave about some of it, face to face.  His eyes filled with tears and I immediately started telling myself, "It wasn't that bad.  He must not have ever heard about this stuff."  Slowly I am coming to terms with it.  Tonight as I'm watching this documentary, they show a list of charges and incidents against the son and as I read it, I start choking.  I can't seem to catch my breath and I barely make it to the garbage can before I get sick.  Really?  Maybe I have a bug?  I head downstairs and as I'm nearing the bathroom I picture the list and start all over.  Writing about it right now is turning my stomach.  I have never had this reaction to sexual abuse of anyone.
     I think everyone can understand the anger.  Why do I have to fix all this?  I didn't ask to be abused.  I didn't do anything wrong.  Why is it my responsibility to suffer through the pain, embarrassment, and frustration of growing up after all these years?  I didn't deserve it.  Wow.  I didn't deserve it.  I really didn't and not that long ago I still thought I did.  Maybe I am getting somewhere.  Maybe this is working.
     The cycle of recovery spins faster over time just like the cycle of abuse and dysfunction.  A new level of recovery brings a new level of pain, but I accept it faster and rush through the denial, the anger and land on forgiveness.  Amazing to me how God has used my writing to help me see it clearly.


2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe

ANNA NALICK LYRICS